Wisdom

If you do what you always did, you’ll get what you always got.

Bob Martin

Some said that insanity is doing the same over and over...and expecting different results.

And yet we do. So, what’s up with that?

When I was a young prosecutor in Miami, one of my many mentors was Justice Gerald Kogan. I met him before he became a Justice of the Florida Supreme Court. I met him while he was still a private attorney. I met him when, in a preliminary hearing, he beat my pants off with only a few words. My head was spinning, but I decided I wanted to learn from this man. When he became a judge, he also became my mentor.

I remember going to chat with him about developing a “theory of the case” in a particularly troubling matter. I had been going over it in my head and began to lay it out for him. He listened for a few minutes and then interrupted me.

Brain health

“Bob, you’ve done this before?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“And you know how to do this, and have had some success with it?”
“Yes, and Yes!”
“Good, so let’s talk about something else.”
“But that’s what’s on my mind right now, and it’s really helpful for me to work these things through with you.”
“I appreciate that you find me helpful, but is that good enough? I can be helpful, but don’t you want to be a better trial lawyer?”

He was right. I was stuck.

The reason I was stuck – the reason many of us get stuck – is that we focus on what our minds serve up to us at any particular moment. This may sound strange to regular readers of this column, but we get stuck because we focus on what’s present for us.
Our mind throws up a thought, and we get hooked by it, and we’re stuck.

Insane mind to healthy mind

What most of us want is to move forward. And, by definition, getting hooked by the present keeps us where we are. So, sure, we can work through the thoughts that come up, and that is helpful. We might have more impact if we start developing our “future” selves.

We’re all busy. Sometimes we spend the whole day running after something only to discover we have been running on a treadmill. There may be value in just stopping for a moment, taking a breath, and asking, “Who do I want to be?” and “Where do I want to go?”

Again, we’re busy. We can’t spend all our time pursuing those questions. Then we would be dreamers. Yet, if we don’t spend any of our time pursuing them, we surely won’t get there. If we do what we always did, we’ll get what we always got.

If I want to be a better writer, I need to write; if I want to be wiser, I need to spend time in introspection; if I want to be a better tennis player, I have to practice; If I want to be calmer, I need to spend time being calm.

When we ask ourselves to put aside our immediate concerns and focus on more distant challenges, we get nervous. What about all the things I actually need to get done? Don’t I need to get through my cluttered email box, my pressing plans?

Nope.

Insanity

That’s a trick our busy self plays on us to keep us away from the scary stuff we’re not yet good at, the stuff that just ain’t yet productive. Sometimes we need to feel irresponsible to make real progress. You have to let the current stuff sit there, untended. It’s not going away, and your inbox won’t be empty when you pass on.

You may not please everyone. You probably will not be perfect, but you probably will do those things well enough. It’s the other stuff that needs attention; the stuff that takes up seemingly unproductive time; the stuff our future self needs to develop; the stuff that never gets done because there’s no time or it’s not urgent or it’s too hard or risky or terrifying. That’s the stuff we want to work on.

We’re good at solving current challenges and not so good at the challenges that come with what we want to be. We’re not skilled at that yet. That’s why it’s the future. And that is why we need to focus on it.

If you always do what you always did, you’ll always get what you always got.

Good morning good people

Bob Martin

That’s how one of the most influential teachers in my life started off each class.

"Good morning good people..."

It wasn’t only her greeting, but throughout the entire class, she always treated each of us as if we were, indeed, good people.

That might have been the catalyst, or it might have been the time my normally demanding and critical father reached down, patted me on the head, and gave me a solid “Atta boy.” I don’t know.

breath-deep

But I do know that at some point, somewhere, I developed a driving curiosity about what it means to be this being called human.

Fast-forward to graduate school. I discovered Martin Seligman, whom some call the father of Positive Psychology. It turns out that Martin had received great acclaim for work he did in the area of learned helplessness. He discovered that after dogs were stressed and given no escape, that they would not take advantage of escapes when provided because they had learned to be helpless.

Martin was doing some research with inner-city youth trying to explain why some don’t try to escape out of poverty. All of a sudden it struck him in a great a-ha moment. He asked “Why am I studying the ones that succumb to these pressures? Why am I not studying the resilient ones; the ones that make it out in spite of all of the pressures against them?“ If we can find out what promotes their extraordinary coping mechanisms, then we can apply that learning to live extraordinary lives.

From that moment in the 1980s forward, a great body of scientific research has grown up leaving behind the question of how do we fix what’s wrong in favor of how do we build on what brings us that sense of wellbeing. The focus the research has been: can we become more skillful at creating a purposeful, creative, positive, meaningful, and joyful life. The resounding answer is "Yes."

So, in this monthly column, we will be looking at the tips and tricks that the research has given us to improve the quality of our lives by improving the quality of our thinking. This doesn’t mean we will eliminate, sadness, anger, or grief from our lives - but it does mean that when difficult times hit us they won’t knock us down as far and we won’t stay down as long.

Some of us are blessed with this skill naturally, although it usually doesn’t occur without having gone through some pain. We all have known this person. Always a kind thought, a positive spin, and a genuine contentment with life. Those of us who have not been blessed with those genes can take solace because science says these traits can be learned. The research says that about 60% of our happiness can be related to genes and environment. That leaves 40 % up to us, and if I can raise my happiness level even 10%, it might be worth a look-see.

Whether Republican or Democrat, conservative or liberal, young or old, there is one question we all can all agree on the response. When you ask this question in Kansas, New York City, Ghana, Iran, Russia, or Vietnam the answer to the question “what do you want in life? “ is universal, “to be happy.” Every month we will look at what it means and what it takes to be happy, to develop a sense of well-being.

What qualifications do I have to write this column? Well, I could give you a list of academic accomplishments and degrees and life experiences and courses that I’ve taught, but I believe none are more important than these two.

First will be what I write. It will be up to you to determine whether or not it has value for you and through that, you can judge my qualifications. Secondly, at the risk of slight arrogance, I will tell you that at 67 years of age I can honestly say that I am a happy man. Not a perfect man, not a man without self-doubt or recriminations but overall, a happy man, comfortable in my skin and my surroundings and at peace with most things (I’m still working on some stuff too!)

I invite you on this adventure. I will bring you stories of the research and the researchers; tips and tricks for making slight adjustments that produce wonderful results in our outlook and pieces of that amazing jigsaw puzzle we call our mind.